Reassurance

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you everything is going to be alright. Of course, that person might not know that, but just hearing it can dispel the clouds of fear and dread. We see only what is in front of us, but some people who have climbed a similar mountain have the advantage of seeing farther into the distance. From their vantage point the rocks in the road seem smaller, the terrain flatter, the way shorter. Those things that wear us down as we trudge along are minor inconveniences once we realize that we leave them behind as we gain altitude. Each disappointment or worry is overcome by looking at how far we have traveled, as the one ahead of us urges us on. Today I met another surgeon/oncologist, one who specializes in breast cancer, since that is another piece of the genetic flaw puzzle. He was very nice, and kind, and gave me needed words of encouragement. He may not have climbed my mountain, but he has helped many others climb to his vantage point of experience and knowledge and faith. Where he wants me to be is higher than I have been before. The view is broad and bright and full of hope.

Fabulous Furs

My friends and I went to a clearance sale at Fabulous Furs today. It is a place that sells deluxe faux fur. I am not a fur person (except for the mink in my closet) so I did not plan on buying anything. But I did. Fur makes a person look either glamorous or rich (maybe only real fur works for this) or boho (as in bohemian) . I went for the boho faux suede, faux fur, faux leather trim. I went a little crazy I think, because it was a beautiful sunny day and my friends and I were having fun trying on everything. So now I have 2 new coats, a cheetah print tunic, a faux fox hood, and a black shimmery sweater thing to wear the next time I have a fancy party to go to. Sometimes I think I need to get out more. The place I usually shop is Walgreens. Now you can get just about everything you need at Walgreens, but you can't get good faux fur. And it is not really a destination for friends to meet then go out to lunch. It felt great to be part of a party, instead of holed up in my office, or my house, or my dad's hospital room. Say yes when your friends plan a shopping party. You might be surprised what ends up in your closet!

Partners in Health

I just read a book about Dr. Paul Farmer called Mountains Beyond Mountains. It is the most inspiring book I have read in a very long time. Farmer is about my age, and has done the most wonderful work with the poor in Haiti and now Rwanda. I was starting to really believe that my work with the poor in desperate countries was over, but after reading this book I feel more than inspired. I feel that I need to get well so I can do something with the foundation he started, Partners in Health. It is a yearning to make what time I have on earth matter, that I have something to give someone who has nothing, and I can give it away. This man circles the globe, giving care, teaching, listening, spearheading projects, advocating for medical and social justice.  Striding confidently in the gifts that God has given him, constantly seeking out those that need the most help. those whose cries need to be heard. Of course, those cries are all around us, in every hospital bed and chemo chair. In every nursing home and domestic violence shelter, in every classroom and work cubicle. Can you hear them, will you help them? Try www.pih.org.

Old Age

My father had open heart surgery on Monday. Today is Wednesday and he is now in the Cardiovascular Step Down Unit. He doesn't really know where he is yet, but he is progressing through all the hurdles required to move toward discharge and returning home. He is 86. I was not a big fan of this procedure, because I saw it as more as a hindrance to his quality of life than an asset. He was going to go into heart failure this year if he did not have the procedure but there was the risk of death as a direct result of the procedure. Looking at him today, the jury is still out as to whether this was a good choice or not. But, amazingly, he is doing almost better than my husband did when he had open heart surgery 2 1/2 years ago. Old age is surprising, frustrating, confusing, scary. It can also be wise, persistent, determined, fearless. When I was young, I thought 65 was as old as I wanted to be...but now 86 looks pretty good, even in the ICU. I underestimated the strength and vitality inherent in an old man's life. I am glad I was wrong. My old Dad still has a thing or two to say about staying power, and the courage to see things through even when the odds are changing. That is good for a daughter to know.

Explanations

Sometimes I go too fast to really understand how something works, or what someone means, or what to do next. I hear the words without listening, processing, thinking. When I have to explain some of these things to someone else, I realize that I did not listen and I don't really have a clue. Sometimes I find that I fill in the blanks, making up things that might be right. I did this in geometry when I was in 9th grade. I mean, the sides of the isosceles triangle looked like they were the same size; I could just invent a theorem to prove that, couldn't I? So yesterday, my doctor was explaining about genes and gene flaws and more chemo and somewhere in there I started to understand something I only played at understanding, and started hearing a new song...the song of a life lived and striving to keep living. Despite genetic flaws and inherited deleterious codes and resistant cells I heard life and hope and keep going. The process of life is complicated and filled with awe; at any time we are doomed and redeemed simultaneously. In patient and carefully told stories, the bible is filled with wonderful explanations; bringing our life to light. Too fast, we miss the details, but in slowing it down, we can begin to understand.