A decent life

I read the One Year Bible. It is the perfect way to read it, a little of the Old Testament, a little of the New Testament, a Psalm and part of Proverbs. Like a full course meal in 15-20 minutes each day. And voila, at the end of the year you have read the whole Bible through. Today's reading was from Romans chapter 13. Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see.  In times past, some of my life wasn't so decent, but for different reasons. Now, so much of what is happening here I don't want all to see. I don't want to show my frailty or my grief, I don't want to cry or be sick in front of them, my little world of family and friends. But I belong to the day, and the day is full of these emotions and physical pains and sorrows. My little decent life will be lived out for all to see, because I am loved and the love is the kleenex and the whey protein and the hugs. I have not lost hope in Our loving Father, or faith in His compassion and His mercies that are new every morning. My tears are often of frustration that I cannot participate in the life that is happening around me. But I do love to see you smile, and hear your stories and share your life. Don't be afraid to call and see how I am doing today.

Life without guns

I hated what happened over the weekend, innocent movie goers randomly slaughtered. I hate hearing about shootings and craziness and wars and weapons. I hate hearing the blaming and finger pointing and who should have done what and how can this be prevented in the future. I hate that it keeps happening to people, that someone goes crazy and anyone is in the way of the one that does. We share this precious planet, a brief span of days to live in, just so many moments to love someone, hug someone. Every time I hear that a life has ended sooner that one's actuarial 78 or so years, I grieve at the loss of those moments, those hugs. The loss of someone that is loved diminishes the lives of all of us in tiny ways. It is like a light that goes out and leaves some greater darkness. Yet, the love of God reaches past all our woes and craziness, into the hurt and dark, and lights more lights. He ignores our faulty gun and mental health laws and impotent political swaggering. He shows us a life without guns, a life lived with compassion and concern; wise as serpents, innocent as doves. It is hard work to live that life, we might rather carry a concealed weapon to feel safe. I would rather lean into the light.

Nothing on the calendar

Tonight is the first night in 3 weeks that we are not hosting family. Our refrigerator is still bursting with leftovers, which is a happiness from countless meals prepared and enjoyed. We have been on a 3 week roller coaster ride of a grand faux-cation, grateful that family spent their vacation time and money coming to see us and fill our home with love. Now, there are no more activities on the calendar for the rest of the week, no excursions to the city or the country. No wedding planning appointments or shoe shopping. Nothing on the calendar means the house can get clean, the cat can relax, we can resume our daily routines. I can sit under the tree and recharge my batteries. We will get lonely eventually. The calendar, with open empty days, begs to be written on. Dates, meetings, appointments; we will call friends and see what they are doing and see if they can put us on their calendar. We will pencil in pool parties and baseball games, cookouts and bike rides. We will hope that I am able to get out and get away. If not, we will open our home to whoever wants to come by for a glass of ice tea and a bite of ice cream. The lazy days of summer are still inviting us to relax and enjoy every single one of them.

Food Glorious Food

I took care of patients with cancer when I was a new nurse. What amazed me was the way they would become so emaciated; food sights and smells did not interest them, in fact it had the opposite effect. I am told that this happens in poor countries also, when malnourished children go so long without meaningful food that they lose interest in it, even when finally made available by rescue agencies. I understand it now, because it is happening to me. I sit down to eat, 2 bites, no bites, I don't want anymore. Yet I am hungry, I can feel it deep down. I see pictures of food on Facebook, people enjoying my favorite menu items at my favorite restaurants, cookouts with burnt steak and grilled corn and even while mentally I lick my lips, I know that I could no more eat it than a plate of rocks. Meanwhile, I watch my weight drop, seemingly helpless in the face of the toxins that the cancer endlessly secretes that kills the appetite. Maybe this is the most humane way it goes, how a body reacts to overwhelming disease or famine, a kind of quiet fading. I took the taste of grilled buttered corn for granted, I guess...food, with all it's flavors, one of life's greatest pleasures. Today take a taste of your favorite food, savor it, and share it. I think mine will be a root beer float.

Rain

It rained here yesterday, maybe for an hour. It didn't rain at my dad's farm. The corn and beans there are still struggling through cracked earth. Here the little pond is shiny again and ducks are wandering the banks, snacking on greens and swimming again. The global warming people are speaking doomsday speak, and politicians are volleying about what to do. Drought, heat, dying crops, rising food prices; all cyclical, evidence of our cavalier attitude about the earth's ability to regenerate and renew itself. Depending on where you decide to look, you can see the shiny pond or the parched corn. You can see the ducks swimming happily or the tree leaves turning brown and dropping prematurely. Neither shows an accurate picture of what is happening; life happens somewhere in the middle of both views. Without pointing fingers or casting blame, we need to look at our world with our eyes wide open, and see it all. We need to pay attention to what is around us; close by us and far away from us, in order to learn what our role is in preserving shiny ponds and happy ducks. God gave this world to us to live in, we can make dozens of decisions every day that will impact what kind of world we leave for those we share it with.

Vertical

We met a nice man one day while Rich was getting chemo, this man was getting chemo too. We chatted about his life and treatment plan, and he said he took his courage from an elderly friend who told him: If you find yourself waking up in the morning, then get up.  There is a lot of power in being vertical. Sometimes the desire to lie down becomes overwhelming during the day, when the heat of the summer bears in through the windows and the air is muggy and still. Sometimes it takes all one's will to stay upright, to enjoy the baby and the little girl, to read books and tickle bellies. Everyone is gone now, back in their homes, back to their routines, their own beds and toys. It is quiet enough for the cat to sit out in the open, and sleep in his favorite spots. I spent more time than I wanted to resting in my cozy bed or on the couch while they were here. A full house is tiring. Today could be another one of those days, but today I am going to putter around the house and finish folding the clean towels and sheets. I am going to put away the sippy cups and bibs for next time, storing each memory in mental tissue paper. It is how we proceed through this business of living out our days; when we wake up we get up.

The best advice

I think my father's favorite film was Pollyanna. I liked it because Haley Mills was in it and I thought I looked like her. The reason why I think he liked it so much was because he was forever wishing, out loud, very loud, that I would be more like her. She was always finding the silver lining in every cloud, always happy and smiling, cheering up grouchy old ladies etc. I have to admit that I found it easier to be negative and long faced about things, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I actually thought I made that up until just recently, when I discovered that it is the working life plan for pragmatic people like me. Anyway, in order to see if the Pollyanna way was workable, I started this collection of stories. My first requirement was to find something good in every day, and record only that when the day was done. In almost 2 years of writing, I have found that it has gathered a small group of followers, and opened the doors to new relationships, as well as given me joy, peace and acceptance of what life puts in my path. There is always something good in every day; it might take some thought to find it, it might have to be orchestrated, but it is always available. Sometimes the best advice our parents give us is the one we have the hardest trouble accepting. I am glad I gave Pollyanna one more try.