While I still live

I am grateful that I am alive today. I did not expect to be. While I am still alive, others I know have died...some expectedly, some not. Some were old, with bags packed, ready to leave. Some were young and clinging to life until their fingers were pried from it. I have had my bags packed for a while, but have watched with amazement as others left ahead of me. Left children and spouses, left good jobs and great houses, left parents and friends. I underestimated my body's strength, my heart's courage, my spirit's joie.
I did not know these things had so much power in the hands of a mighty God. I did not know the power of a baby's smile, of a friend bringing dinner, of laughter, Zumba, or even hard work. While I am still alive, I can see the bigger picture of God's universe, how we fit together as pieces of His plan, how He wills us to see Him and know Him. With bags packed, I am free to love without condition, to let go of petty annoyances, to enjoy birdsong. It's like tent camping, when you pile all things necessary for survival into the back of a truck. You take up so little space, and need so little to cook with or sleep with, that your life takes flight. There is the end to fear, because in this little space there is only you, and God.

Not the answer we expected

Years ago, we bought our first house in Arkansas. It cost $25,000 for this small 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath ranch home. After 7 years, we decided to move to Ohio and put it up for sale. It sold in a few days to a young couple from our church. 4 days before we were to close, after my husband had quit his police job and we had boxed everything up and rented the UHaul, the buyers bailed. We moved to Ohio with everything we owned, leaving an empty house, praying for another buyer so we could use the equity to get settled. What ended up happening was a land contract, small cash deposit to cover the closing fees and monthly payments for years. Because of that, we had no cash to buy another home, had to borrow from in-laws, find a cheap house in a tiny (population 400) town, commute miles to work. In this town, my daughter made a lasting friend named Carrie. She now lives 11 minutes from my daughter, has a new baby, is a teacher like her, with an Air Force husband. She is welcoming her into her church today, and will be there to help her navigate her new life. Because we did not get the answer we expected for the prayer we prayed for 27 years ago, my daughter has a friend in Alexandria. God is good like that.

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was a mysteriously appearing nanny, who transformed a stuffy British family into one bursting with love for each other. She had a magical carpetbag, a talking umbrella, colorful friends, and a knack for play. Now, I am not so mysterious. I travel by car, not by umbrella. My carpetbag is a rolling suitcase, filled with normal things like knitting and blue jeans. My friends are colorful indeed, but not necessarily prone to dancing on rooftops. What we share is a knack for play, and the ability to burst with love. That translates into hours of pushing a stroller up and down the Mall in Washington DC, or just down the street. Playing with stickers, eating Tootsie Roll pops, retying shoes over and over, quieting a restless infant, making peanut butter toast. It includes talking through life's challenges with a tired daughter, buying them dinner, a swiffer, giving them room to settle into a new house. Mary Poppins was unique, in that she always planned to leave. She was not interested in her own needs as much as she was for those she came to serve. That is the joy of love, not requiring anything in return, but being blessed all the same. A baby's smile, a call to "sleep with me Nana", a peaceful close knit family, a plane ride home.

Road Trip

In less than 24 hours, my daughter and I will be traveling East with her two little ones to rejoin her husband in Alexandria, Virginia. What was to be a 3 or 4 week visit shrank to 1, thanks to the efficiency of the internet, movers, electronic fund transfers, scanners and motivated real estate agents. We will pile into a overpacked Camry, sing songs, eat hundreds of Goldfish and cookies, talk about what happens next and stop for nursing breaks. We will unpack the boxes, measure for curtains, stock the pantry, set up the toys. We will do this together because it is important to do, and makes everything easier. When my husband and I did almost the very same move many years ago, with two little girls, we didn't have anyone to help us. Family was far away, and we were new to the community and had not yet made friends. We worked through it, took turns, bundled up the girls (without the assistance of portable DVD players, GPS or cell phones) and drove in 2 separate vehicles in the middle of January. We labored in and out of the rented truck, getting slap happy with exhaustion, moving heavy furniture up and down narrow stairs. I want to go along this time to see them through, to help, to sew, to snuggle with little ones starting anew.

Found Cat

My daughter has a better cat story than the one I posted last year. She and her little family are en route to a new adventure in Washington, D.C, and stopped here in Ohio for a brief respite before moving on. They brought their well traveled cat, Shifty, with them. The first night here he ran away, which wasn't unusual for him...he always came back. Except this time. He was gone for 5 days. That is a long time for a cat with an Arizona metabolism in frigid Ohio weather. Jane and Andy realized during this time that they did love this cat, for all his standoffishness and independence. He was part of the family, part of their uniqueness, part of their history together. He was gone, as gone as the house and the life in Arizona, as gone as the friends made, turned immediately from present to memory. There were tears. But I know from experience that God loves cats. So yesterday Shifty was found, far from where he escaped, but close enough to retrieve. Amazing how he survived 17 degrees and rain and coyotes, under the watchful eyes of his Creator, placed back in the arms of his grateful owners. He is now in a carrier on his way to Washington, safe and sound. Any doubts about God's ability to care for life's precious details? Gone.

Pulling it together

A step back into no man's land today. Sometimes the pull down is so strong, it takes all one's strength just to tread water. I wonder why that is. Is that when we step away from the arms of God and fall too far, or are we pushed from behind by an unseen evil? The day looks the same on the outside; sun is shining, the water is sparkling, people are smiling. Inside the mind is spinning out of control into the dark of night. My daughter tells of nights this summer when she would wake to a little voice in her bedroom, asking for some comfort for the 3rd or 4th time, and my daughter would tell this little girl to pull it together and go back to her own bed. It sounds outrageous that a 2 year old could be expected to understand what her mother meant, but she seemed to, as she went back to her room and back to sleep. I wonder what was dragging a little girl down, and I wonder what she thought about in her bed while she was pulling it together. Did she think about crayons and cookies, swinging on swings? Did she hum a little song to herself, or watch the outside lights play across her bedroom wall and imagine angels in her room? Maybe she didn't have to imagine them. Maybe she saw what God has promised to protect us and pull us up from the deep.

Dear Friends

I grew up as a lonely child. I was in the middle of 2 very strong and smart sisters. My brother came along later, and he might have been lonely too, but he was the longed for son so he had special status. Anyway, I never seemed to fit into the family dynamic, and as the years passed, I had trouble making more than one friend at a time. I don't know what happened since my childhood, but I have learned how to have more than one friend. Maybe it was having my one true friend in my husband that freed me to try other female relationships. Maybe it was having two children that forced me to open my heart to the needs of more than one. Maybe it was being submersed in the overwhelming love of God that helped me to understand how to be a friend, how to love and accept others' love. Whatever the reason, I have come to this place where I have more friends than I ever thought I would have. Not casual friends, either, but real true blue ones that would be at my house within ten minutes of a call for help. Friends that call me to see how we are doing, that send me inspirational cards, read my stories and aren't afraid to talk about the future. Friends are the glue that holds us together, bringing the hands of God into our lives and hold us close.

Hot Tub

My husband and I spent New Year's Eve in a hot tub at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. Actually we spent part of the evening there...the rest of the evening, into the New Year, we spent dancing to DJ music at a nightspot call Fuse. We were probably the oldest couple there, and were hit on by a young couple who thought we were cute. Maybe it was the zumba moves I was doing, or the crazy arm motions my husband was doing that put us in the limelight. Whatever it was, it made for a memorable evening, complete with noisemakers, funny hats and champagne toast. The next day, we were back in the hot tub, and the day after that and the day after that. We put our faces to the sun, shivered in the arctic air that created fast moving mist from the rising heat of the water. The water took away our goose bumped skin, took away our anxiety, our defenses, our fears. In the warmth of the water and the light of the sun, we were able to relax and talk, laugh and plan our future. We soaked in the mist and rubbed our cold ears, and sank into the reverie of our lives far away from the craziness of the past year.We laughed about being "it on the floor". I don't know if the young couple would understand how far we had come to dance.