Generosity

Generosity does not necessarily come easy for some people. Living within your means, saving for the future, spend your money while you can, live it up, "I'm worth it" are all cliches that are ingrained in our psyche as we travel through this life. Then there is: share your toys, offer your seat to someone else, don't take the last piece of cake, splurging on gifts for birthdays and Christmas. No wonder it is confusing. True generosity comes from a thankful heart. Jesus talked about this a lot. Thankfulness for what we have been given leads to sharing what we have, meeting the needs of the widow and the fatherless. It is not always money, but many times it can be. Where our treasure is, there our heart is also. We love what we invest in. Hopefully that is more than the stock market or our clothes closet. When I am moved to be generous, I feel the grace of God bubbling up in my soul, like laughter. It feels like I am getting a gift, instead of just giving one to someone else. When I am afraid and stingy, some part of my soul is shriveled and injured. Generosity makes the heart glad, when you allow God to sing a love song to someone else through you.

Cowboy Boots

I bought my first pair of cowboy boots in Arizona 2 weeks ago. I wore them today. I don't know why I waited so long. They are the funnest footwear ever. I might need to change my motto to Cowboy Boots Every Day! Try some.

Missionary Doctor

I have a friend who is a doctor. He delivers babies, among other things. I asked him to go on a medical mission trip with me in 2002 and he did, his very first one. He fell in love with the whole life of the short term missionary. Since then he has been on dozens of trips, organizing, leading, mentoring, encouraging the volunteers, and treating the poor and sick in faraway places. Lives of both volunteers and natives have been changed forever by his tireless devotion to serving the Lord in this way. Yet, he has had his own personal challenges. Tonight we had supper and talked about many things; the highs and the lows of the past few years. We are still amazed at how God turned a simple conversation and invitation 8 years ago into this powerful force that has propelled him deep into a life of meaning that he had only dreamed about but never thought would happen. The workings of God are so complex and intricate, who can know them? When we step into a relationship with another person, how can we ever know the full portent of our lives intersecting? What mysteries lie in simple, honest friendships, that can go on to change the world!

Button Making Machine

I finally got a high quality button making machine. It makes a button 1 1/4" wide. I am in love. I think I have wanted to make my own buttons since I first saw the Badge-A-Minute ad in a magazine many years ago. For only $29.95 you could make your own button badge with anything you wanted on it.  I like the idea of having something great to say, that needs to be immortalized under plastic. I did buy a Badge-a-minute button maker, but it is a toy compared to this sturdy press. And every button comes out perfectly. I rationalized the purchase by offering to make hundreds of buttons for my friend who works for the Restavek Foundation here in Cincinnati. She wants to give them away at a conference exposing modern day slavery next weekend. So after I make those many hundreds of buttons, a very worthy project, I will get to play. I have my Ice Cream Everyday buttons, plus infinite fantastic creations just swimming around in my head that beg for expression. I might just go a little crazy for awhile.

Creating

Unseasonably warm, breezy, sunny. A perfect day for a walk, or a bike ride, or raking leaves. I didn't do any of that. I worked my mind, instead of my body, making things for the Weavers Guild craft sale in 2 weeks. There is so much inspiration available these days. Knitting books and patterns, online and in stores (and in my house), provide more ways to use up yarn than there are days to use them. Each project more intriguing than the next, spells trouble for someone with attention span problems.  It was quite an effort to stay on task, but I did. Assisted by the balmy day and solitude, I could stretch out my mind to the reaches of all the projects I wanted to finish. Yards of colorful wools and needles lay at my feet as each item received whatever little touch it needed to make it complete. Some of the items were reworks that didn't sell last year. Some are brand new creations. It was as if the energy that had been ebbing out of my spirit all week finally turned the tide, and began creeping back in. I can now look at the week rolling out in front of me and feel like I will be able to step into it, with zeal.

Pink and Purple

I had the most wonderful day today, welcoming my friend Debbie and her 2 young children to my home. We met 2 years ago on the now defunct Skybus, on a flight from Ft. Myers to Columbus. In a magical confluence of God's grace, we connected our individual stories of working through pain and loss during the 2 hour flight. We have kept in touch all these months, and celebrated the birth of Henry and now this news of a baby due in April. It is a marvel to me that we became friends in the most mundane of circumstances. Today was good medicine. Her beautiful and lively daughter Anna is almost 5 and we iced cupcakes. Anna likes pink the most, and purple second. She used both colors to decorate the icing. The visit rushed by, like all fun does on Saturdays and soon they were all packed up in the car and headed back to Columbus. I gave them most of the cupcakes, but saved 2 for our dessert tonight. I wanted the one with the pink and purple sugar sprinkles.

Hot Bath

So I had the chance to go out into the cold tonight, but instead decided to take a hot bath. I have thought about buying a hot tub to put on the porch, and still haven't decided not to, but for now the bathtub has to do. When I was a girl I took baths in an antique claw foot porcelain tub. My father made a tray that fit across the width of it, and I kept all my toys there. I remember having some sort of soap that I could draw with. I would soak until the water was cold and my fingers were shriveled. I have a better system now. I turn on a space heater and shut the bathroom door and get the room toasty warm, so the bath water stays warm for a long time. Long enough to read a magazine all the way through, and relax with the smell of lavender bath salts. Long enough to feel the warmth and softness seep deep into my soul. I lay back and remember being a child, alone in the tub, singing silly songs, playing slip and slide while the water drained out. Some memories are so vivid, when I realize they are 50 years old I am amazed. Like rolling pennies, 50 seems so many, hard to count and stack into a paper sleeve. I am glad I can choose to stay home and take a bath, instead of going into the cold. That is one of the fine benefits of adulthood.

Naps

I was never a nap fan. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make us take naps every afternoon. I just pretended to sleep. Sometimes she would bribe us with a new toy. I wanted an Olive Oyl doll (from the Popeye cartoon), which she got me when I agreed to take a nap with her. I used to play a little game with metal hair clips on my fingers, pretending they were crippled and walking over the sheets.  I imagine my mother was exhausted taking care of 4 children under the age of 6. Nap time was a chance for her to take a break for an hour or so. I took a nap today, since I was feeling the effects of chemo on Monday. I slept for 4 hours, not one. I didn't need to fake sleep, it came readily. It was quite enjoyable, really, as the afternoon slipped into evening and suppertime and knitting group. There is research on the benefits of napping. I can agree that today it was a wonderful medicine. Now since the day is ending, I will crawl back under the covers and let myself continue to rest and heal.

The Impossible Dream

Jane and I went to see Man of La Mancha last evening, performed by a very talented cast of Tucson locals. Every song was done to perfection, in this most moving and inspiring musical. I have loved the music since I was a child, when my parents brought the soundtrack home after seeing the show in New York. I listen to it still, from time to time. The songs seem to have even greater poignancy now, while facing my own glorious quest for life. Don't we all have a dream, that seems too far away to hold but too wonderful to forsake? Can we live life not as it is, but as it should be? That seems to fall in line with what God asks us to do, the kind of life that Jesus showed us how to live. To see the good in others, to be merciful, and brave, and willing to fight for what is right. To be willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause. Our pastor, Ben, is talking about our destiny. To find that can mean asking the question: What bothers you?" Not as in life's constant annoyances, but in what is going on in the world that begs for a champion, a valiant knight even in rusty armor? In the play, Cervantes asks, When people are at the end of their life, they ask why...not why they are dying, but why did they live? I do not plan on asking that question, ever. I plan to keep on dreaming.

Driving away

I made a new friend during one of my chemo sessions a month or so ago. Her name is Tara and she has a very agressive form of cancer that had spread just about everywhere when she was finally diagnosed. She is only 30 something. We talked about all kinds of things while we were getting chemo, one of the things was cremation jewelry. I had met a lady once who had a little urn around her neck and when I asked her about it, she told me it was the remains of her son. I was amazed. I told Tara this story, because I thought it was a novel idea, and I had bought a couple of little glass urns, just toying with the idea of memorializing something. Not necessarily myself. Anyway, yesterday Tara called me because she is now in hospice and wanted me to help her find the website for some cremation jewelry she could buy for her children, to put her remains in, for them to remember her. I went to the hospice with my computer and we spent the better part of two hours picking out just the right little pendants for them, that have tiny screws in the back, and little funnels to help put the ashes in. Then I drove home. I realized that, even though I have cancer, I can still drive away from the worst of it. I did not spend today in a hospice bed. I flew to Arizona to see my girls.

Prayer

I love God. I talk to Him all day long, in my mind quietly, but sometimes out loud. The out loud part is what I call praying. There are lots of books about praying, books of prayers, and classes and seminars on how to pray. I don't know why it has to be so complicated. If you have a relationship with God, you talk to Him just like you talk to everyone else you have a relationship with. Sometimes you talk nice to them, sometimes you don't. And vice versa. God's word has some serious things to say about how he wants us to be while we are on this earth. He also included some kind and loving forgiveness words. He also is funny. Just look at some of His creation. Anyway, this morning I prayed out loud because I really needed to. Out loud I can say what I am feeling deep down, where no one knows, but Him. There was some crying because some of my life is sad. But after the crying there is always a time of peace, then joy.  We are the best of friends, so I always feel listened to and comforted, even when I have it wrong. Now we can go out into the day and see what happens.

Not what is lost but what is left

I wrote a post last evening, but it read more like whining than ice cream, so I took it off. Today my brother and I were talking, and this topic came up. What do we focus on when life's course takes you in a direction seemingly away from your hopes and dreams? It is the glass half empty, half full idea. No one would fault you for looking at the negative, and it is all so easy to do. For some reason, looking at the positive is much harder. Maybe is has to do with gravity. Going up takes quite a lot of power, even a feather needs a breeze to give it lift. But down? Everything goes down, without any effort at all. Our interpretation of Heaven and Hell are the same...Hell is slippery downward easy, Heaven is high and lofty hard. It requires angel's wings. We so often settle for easy, when hard is where we want to be. Thinner, stronger, smarter, happier...dreams that take work to become real. So focusing on what is left in our lives, instead of what we have lost in our lives, takes intentional, persistent, daily determination and attention. Let the shadows of the past fall away. Live in today's light. Look up, Heaven is there.

Erasers

Today I decided I needed more than a pencil with a new eraser. I need an eraser with just a little bit of lead in it. That is because my doctor wants to do some testing and reevaluation so all my chemo dates have been stopped until that is completed. I should be used to this by now, but for some reason it still bothers me that I cannot plan my life any further than next week. I am a planner. Maybe that is why I like knitting so much. You buy a pattern and yarn and follow the instructions and eventually you have the bag or sweater that you wanted. It is a methodical process, sometimes with unexpected surprises, but you are in charge in the end and can manipulate it into a finished product you can be proud of.  My life is not like that. I am seeking a pattern where there is none; there are starts and stops and I have no idea what the finished product will look like. The only thing the same is the unexpected surprises. That is what is good about erasers. Like unknitting to get rid of a mistake, erasers take away the good and the bad on the calendar, but what is left is open days to refill with what really matters.

Collette

Collette is the name of our one and only grandchild. She is one. She is adorable. My daughter Mary, her Aunt Mary, gave her a pink tutu for her birthday. Several weekends ago, Collette with tutu was the photo focus of my very talented son-in-law, Andy. Hundreds of photos were taken, each one documenting Collette's fascination with steps, cookies, climbing, and exploring. The sun shone on her red hair and the bright colors of the building in Arizona picked out the pink tutu, and pink cheeks of this smiling happy girl. Each picture is a delight of this joyous life, perfect in every detail. Remarkable the camera's motorized ability to visit every facial expression as it plays across her face in a matter of seconds. Our human eyes cannot stop time this way and we see, but do not see, the marvelous transformation that takes place in a twinkle of her eyes as she makes a new discovery. Or a forming smile or laugh just before it blossoms. But the camera does, and makes pictures that are wonders and wonderful to see. Here they are in my lap to see over and over.

Acceptance

I have been thinking all weekend about a conversation I had on Friday with one of the nurses at St. Elizabeth Cancer Care. Now this is a great place to get treatment, if you ever need it, because all the staff are kind and good at what they do. I used to do what they do, long ago. I usually go with friends, because I have awesome friends, but on Friday both of them were sick. I figure that when I go alone, God has some plan for me there. I wasn't wrong. Jenny was my nurse and she was just who I needed to talk to. Sometimes I think I have this whole scenario figured out, and sometimes I feel just as lost as I did the first day I was told I had cancer. I feel like a bird in a net, flapping and snapping, but unable to get free of the cords wrapped around me. Jenny presented my situation in a way that I had seen before, but not with the eyes I have now. I think if I give up fighting the net, I will never be free. But I cannot fight the net. I must find the way to be free within the net. The net actually protects me from greater danger. The chemo, awful as it is, is better right now than the cancer that waits to destroy me. To see this means not fighting it, when not fighting it feels like quitting. But it is not quitting, it is living.

Buddies

Basically, this was another weekend of recouping from Friday's chemotherapy. I am doing this a lot now. I went to the Lakota West Craft show and saw Melissa...actually she saw me first. I met her when I did a show several years ago, selling my wares, and hairless from my first treatments. She was kind and spoke some encouraging words to me which I still remember. She makes "Boo Boo Buddies", colorful cotton cases filled with dried corn that you heat in the microwave for a few minutes, then put on whatever body part hurts. She sells lots of these, and she gave me one a few years ago that I use at work when my neck gets stiff. She wanted me to have one today, a new one, so I picked out a tie dyed orangey pink one. She also gave me more encouraging words, which I will treasure. I start to look for ice cream by noon, everyday, so I don't miss it when offered. Melissa found me wandering around around 12:10 today, so I got a nice treat early in the day. A "Boo Boo Buddie" for the soul. Thank you, Melissa.