Laughter

My friends and I all have problems that we would love to see resolved. But we are at an age now where we know that there is never a time when all our problems will go away, there is just sun and then rain, then sun again. We face them together, because that is what friends do. Sometimes we all wait together, huddled under our friendship umbrella, waiting for the rain to stop. Or we just go ahead out in it, splashing in the puddles, getting all wet, and laughing in spite of it.  I had a fabulous dinner with my friend Pam tonight. She has a wonderful laugh that she uses often to punctuate her stories. She faces what we all face, yet that laugh is always on the edge of her speech, aware of the silly absurdity of even the most somber moment. This gift she has always makes me happy, because it wipes away any residue of anxiety that I might face in my own life. It seems so easy to do, to laugh. It makes our souls waterproof, so that the rain does not weaken our spirit.

Plank in your eye

It is funny how, when you have a problem in your life, you keep thinking about it over and over. Like a loose tooth, you worry it to the point of distraction. It is almost impossible to think about something else until that problem is resolved. Sometimes the problem is a person, and resolution is far away. Today these words came to me: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" This is in the bible, Matthew chapter 7 verse 3.  The bible is an amazing book, full of ideas and stories that have maintained their relevancy throughout time. This particular question was spoken by Jesus to his disciples. He didn't expect an answer from them right away, because what they were doing is what we all do when we find fault with someone. But this question does presuppose an answer, as all of Jesus' questions do. The answer to this question will bring peace to your soul, and to those you interact with throughout your day. The answer would have something to do with identifying the plank in your eye. This might take some time. I will need some cookies.

No Empty Freezer

I have had some trouble thinking about ice cream for the past 2 days. My job has become somewhat less wonderful that it used to be. It feels like it takes all the vitality and peace that I fight so hard for, and lays waste to it all. The cancer is like that also. I would like to escape it all, but cannot. So, my soul feels like an empty freezer. No ice cream. Wait, I got a message from a new friend on Facebook. We had talked at length about my idea, my need to find the joy in every day and help others find their own joy. She shared it with someone today, and gave her an ice cream cone pin I had made. She said the person wanted me to know I had inspired her. Someone I hadn't ever met. See, there was a little pint of ice cream in the freezer after all. Not all of it had been eaten. Just a little bit, but enough to bring some hope back into the day. What we have is so much more when it is shared. When you cast your bread on the water there is no such thing as an empty freezer.

Splurge

Splurge: to indulge in an extravagant expense or luxury. This seems to be the theme of the weekend. I was supposed to get chemo on Friday, which would have made me tired and crummy feeling these past two days, but it was canceled because of my platelets being too low. Because of this, I would feel good all weekend for the first time in 2 months. So I entered Saturday like a hungry person at a smorgasbord of delicious foods, unsure what to choose first. I wanted to be outside, I wanted to play, I wanted to soak up every bit of the healthy life offered to me. Yesterday we biked outside. Today I wanted to splurge. I guess it started Friday evening with the spa treatment, and it spilled into this afternoon's tour through Ulta and White and Black. I used my Etsy business money, which I hoard, and is all mine. I bought some expensive mascara and some (gasp) leggings. 2 pair. So now I have to buy boots and long sweaters and more fun. It was great feeling like part of the world, instead of being holed up in blankets on the couch. I cherish each healthy day, when it is easy to get up and get going. These days are sweet luxuries for me.

Into the Outdoors

It was a perfect day today for a bike ride, so we loaded up our bikes and did our favorite ride from Loveland to Morrow and back. The air was cool, and held the scent of burning leaves. The trail was marked by fallen twigs and leaves, really too soon for fall but the dry weather probably has stressed the trees plenty this summer. Chipmunks and squirrels crisscrossed the trail in front of us, crows cawed and flew above our heads. If you opened your mouth, you swallowed gnats, great swarms of them that clung to our clothes as we rode through. The woods are serene, peaceful...the nearby river still and green. There is no hurry here, no urgency to finish something, no regret or fear or worry. The tall trees stand where they have stood for many years, the river flows past ancient rocks as always. There is a trust here, standing strong though time. We ride by and feel the steadfast energy of God's creation, life as it should be, circular and beautiful. We are dwarfed by it's majesty, yet lifted to it's heights at the same time. We connect to something we need in our daily routine, that constancy of God, that plants us, sustains us, and holds us, and makes our lives circular and beautiful.

Mani/Pedi

I have wonderful friends. I have collected them through the years and each one is more precious than the most expensive diamond. My friend Lynn taught me how to preserve friendships, as she is persistent in maintaining connections with her friends through all of life's many changes. I love making friends. I made a friend on an airplane trip 2 years ago that I still email and we are planning a visit, even though she lives 2+ hours away. I lay in bed one night, wondering if it would ever be a good idea to leave here and live closer to one of our children. I decided to count my friends, and when I got to 22 (real friends, not just Facebook friends) I stopped, not because I had counted them all but because I realized how impossible it would be to leave them. Anyway, tonight I enjoyed one of the many many benefits of friends. My knitting group knew I was having some tough days, so they pooled their resources and bought me a gift certificate at a local spa. I chose the manicure/pedicure combo, which I did tonight. For the 2 hours I was there, I talked to my new friend Angela about many things, including ice cream, while she did my nails. She said that tonight must be my ice cream for today. Yes, and the color: Jam n Jelly.

Blood Test

I have had many a blood test in the past 3 1/2 years. I think maybe I am getting a needle stick for every time I ever stuck a needle in someone else during the course of my nursing career. That would be a lot. It certainly is something to see your own blood go shooting into the little red and yellow top tubes. The yellow top tube carries the blood that goes into the special machine that tests for the cancer antigen that will tell me and my doctor whether or not the chemo is working. I kid around with the nurse as she puts the label on it, and I know she knows I am nervous about what information that little tube will tell. It looks like anyone else's blood, in any other yellow top tube. But it is mine.  I have had this test done dozens of times. Still, each time, as I dial the phone to get the results the next day, like today, I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wait for someone to answer the phone, I wait while they check the computer, I wait sometimes for the nurse to get on the phone. When the nurse gets on, the news is usually not good. Today I did not have to wait for a nurse. Oney, the secretary, told me my test result was normal. We were both glad. Normal is always good.

Eating when you are hungry

Tonight we got together with a large crowd of friends for dinner at a local restaurant. This was ice cream in and of itself, since I love getting together with friends and eating. Now the eating thing has been more of a problem since I have been getting older. Up until a few years ago, I could eat whatever I wanted and stayed slim. Not now. Maybe it is age, maybe sitting all day at my job, maybe boredom or anxiety eating, but I don't have the figure that I used to. I miss some of the clothes I used to wear that are now too tight. Recently, I read a review of a book written by a woman who had been on a weight loss merry go round for 30 years. She didn't blame her age, her sedentary job, boredom or anxiety for her weight problem. She blamed her mother. She did say that she finally decided to stop dieting and just eat when she was hungry and stop eating when she was full. I think that is a remarkable idea. So I have been trying it. It does require paying attention to your body. It sometimes requires finishing your meal without eating everything on your plate. I tried it tonight with my friends, at a restaurant. It worked perfectly. I did not eat everything, I did not bring any of it home, I did not get dessert, and I still had a great time. Yum.

Finishing Things

I love to start things...crafts, books, cleaning, journals...but I have a hard time finishing them. I don't know why that is. Many of my knitter friends are the same way, we might have 4 or 5 (or more) projects going at once. Most of them do get finished, eventually, but some find their way to the bottom of the knitting basket. I have books with bookmarks halfway through, magazines with post it notes marking things I want to read or cook or make. I have dolls that need dresses, scrapbooks that need a few more pages, wool that is almost spun. I find that as I continue to mark out my days, I feel more compelled to do things I think I can finish. I sew appliance covers for my business on Etsy, and I can finish a few in an evening. I read a magazine for a single sitting, then I recycle it so it no longer taunts me. I clean just one room at a time. I blog. I finish a craft project before I start another one. (well, I still need to work on that.) I call back my friends and reply to emails right away. I look at all these tasks with new eyes, realizing that once it is done, I am free to do something else. Amazing! Finishing things is like cleaning your brain, so that it is ready for a new idea, like a house for a guest.

Orange Sunday

I go to a church that does church differently. Godwise, the stuff is all solid and relevant and biblical. It is everything else that is different. We like to have fun, before church, after church and yes, even during church. Today was Orange Sunday, the celebration of 6 years of ministry. Why Orange, I don't know. But it was a jumping off place for the energy of the day. Orange balloons, orange juice on the way in. Orange dunking booth for the kids. All the people who attend were encouraged to wear orange. We made orange cotton candy. There were more folks than I had ever seen there before...which was part of the point of the day. Smiles on everyone's faces. It was wonderful. The glow of God and the orange balloons made our different church make perfect sense. What is this great place? Check it out:www.4cornerschurch.com.

Craftiness

My mother used to tease me about how I could spend hours cutting out little pieces of paper. I had the largest trashcan of all us kids in my room.  It was yellow and I put a purple sticker of bare feet on it. It was always full. I am still in love with crafty things. Scrapbooks, cards, yarn, fabric...if it is made of anything fiber I want to play with it. My craft room could be an episode on Clean House. It is a visual of my chaotic, creative mind, running too fast to finish everything I start. Today I went to the Pork Festival in Eaton with my friend Lynn, excited to see what folks were making these days. Two years ago I had a craft booth there.  My friends helped me sell my wares, and we had a lot of fun. Then, there were lots of crafty vendors and interesting, sometimes tacky, handmade items. Things were different today. The crafty vendors were few and far between all the flea market wares...booth after booth of identical imported clothes, bogus designer purses and fake silver jewelry. Someone was selling cowboy hats made out of cardboard beer cases. That was almost intriguing. We didn't buy anything. Except ice cream. Cherry Vanilla, Moosetracks and Butter Pecan.

RATs at Wildflowers

Tonight we gave Sandy a going away party. She is moving to Texas to start a new job. She is one of the RATs, a group of friends that formed years ago at Mercy Hospital where we all worked at one time.  There are about 20 of us, and we are spread out all over the area now, but we still try and get together at least once a month to eat and talk. RATs stands for Really Awesome Together, or, Relax And Talk etc. This year has been full of challenges for all of us...family deaths, health challenges, joint replacements, divorce, broken hearts. Yet, we still can laugh over a good meal and toast to each other's success in overcoming yet another hurdle in life's road. To our bravery, our courage, our hope for better things to come. We support each other as only long time friends can. We know how hard life can be, and we are there for each other. I am so blessed to be included in this wonderful group of strong, smart, brave and funny women. And the occasional male escort. I learned long ago to cherish my friends, for they are hard won, and the best asset to have in good times and less good times. Sandy, we will miss you. We are grateful for your friendship, and hope for all the best for your new adventure.

Swimming Laps

Yes, even exercise can be ice cream. I swam laps at our gym for the first time in 3 years. I have lots of reasons as to why this was, but decided that today I had had enough of those reasons. I like to swim laps, it is somehow a way I ponder the day. And I like to sit in the dry sauna after swimming to warm back up, as the water is not my perfect temperature. So, today I was swimming and thinking about how I used to swim laps as a kid. Our club was small, but mighty. We would swim in meets in the summer, a rag tag bunch of super skinny kids, with a couple of ringers in our group that made our team successful. I was not a ringer. I swam butterfly because no one else wanted to and I could usually win a medal for third place at least. (See post Playing to Win for an explanation of my strategy on life's games. I started young.) The best thing about the meets was eating jello right out of the box. Sugary sweetness in the palm of your hand, licking huge tonguefuls, for energy we said. I don't know if kids do that anymore.
Tonight I didn't eat jello out of the box, instead I sat in the sauna and remembered it all.

Yoga

I should title this "Americanized Yoga", because I doubt that any of the yoga classes I have ever attended remotely go to the spiritual levels that true yoga implies. I mean, my teacher today doesn't even say namaste after class. Ever. She also doesn't do the thing with the bowl, making the cool chimey bell sound. She does close the class with savasana, which is my favorite part. Laying there on the mat, eyes closed, fully relaxed after 40 minutes of contortions, I think of briefly of the day before me, or behind me, then of nothing at all. I feel very still inside, not waiting for anything, just still. It is a quiet that does not come any other time, but at the end of yoga. Sometimes, during other classes, the instructor speaks of powerful things, in a soft voice, the words reaching deep into the soul. Once, after  placing myself in this position, the instructor told us to think of a safe place where we were warm and loved. For some reason, I thought of the chemo room at St. Elizabeth Cancer Care. Odd, I thought, but true. I felt safe there, they gave me warm blankets, I was loved by God. Today, there were no words, only soft music. Quietly still, no hurry, just peace.

Cast your bread upon the waters

I have read the bible enough times that, in passing conversation, scriptures pop into my head and I might even quote them imperfectly to whoever I am talking to. Today was one of those times. I had the casting your bread part right, but not the rest of it. So, of course, I had to look it up. Cast your bread upon the waters is part of the first verse of Ecclesiastes, chapter 11. Now this is not the happiest book in the bible, by any means. It is actually quite sobering. But, since the verse popped into my head, I decided to study the rest of the chapter. The subtitle of the chapter in my bible is: The Value of Diligence. Amazingly, it seemed all to do with playing to win. So, since I wanted to stay on that theme, I went to United Dairy Farmers and bought gift cards for two of my cancer fighting friends. I am hoping they will enjoy some ice cream, since UDF makes pretty much the best ice cream around. I put the cards in the mail, casting my bread on the water.  It felt like a special obedience to the God of the Universe. Let's see what happens.

New Babies

What is not to love about babies? Especially new babies, sleeping in your arms babies. The way they wiggle and smirk and squeak their little baby sleeping squeeks. Baby girl Olive in pink floral dress, matching pink hat and socks and mock shoes. Binky. Baby boy Lucas in monkey print onesie, brown mock mocs. Chubby cheeks, curled fingers, tiny eyelashes. One little cry and it's back in the arms of mom or dad, which is just fine by me. I got to hold them while they were dreaming of someone, someplace, somewhere. I got to remember my own babies, someplace cozy, somewhere long ago. It brings all of life together, the past, the present, the future...sitting in a chair in my friend's backyard.

Shopping

Shopping used to be something I would do whenever I was bored, or lonely, or worked up about something. This was years ago. It now an activity I do because I actually need something in the store, like cat food, or a pair of black pants that fit. Otherwise I find it tedious and dissatisfying. Today, after chemo, Sherry, Donna and I went shopping near the hospital at a great outdoor mall. We spent most of the time helping Donna spend money on curtains and bedding for her new house. We went into new stores and tried on hats and jewelry. Sherry is the consummate shopper, she brought coupons for every store, has a great eye for what goes with what. I told them I had until 7 pm before I turned into a pumpkin, so we shopped, then ate dinner together. It was wonderful and relaxing, this shopping. I told them I wanted to have t-shirts made that said: It's Chemo Day-always a great time! Because that's how I feel when they are with me. Safe and loved and healthy. Normal.

Playing to Win

I am not a marathon runner. I am not even a runner. I hate competition. I only like to play games I am very sure I can win. I am pretty good at Pictionary, because I have a quirky and long memory. And Scrabble, because I like words. The cancer situation I am in is definitely a marathon. I definitely don't think I can win. If this was any other scenario, I would have bailed by now. Unfortunately, bailing looks a lot like dying, and I don't want to do that either, even though I am a firm believer in eternal life and heaven and banquet table with Jesus and all that. So I am perplexed. My new friend Melissa told me last night to play to win anyway. As if. I fully admit I don't know how to do that. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't a nurse and knew too many things about cancer, or if I hadn't been dealing with this for over 3 years and haven't really had all that much healthy time. What if playing to win meant that I looked at each new day as an opportunity to love my struggling body and take care of it and feed it good things, take long walks and stay calm. What if it meant believing in my doctor's plan, and God's plan, and trusted in the best possible outcome? It would certainly be a win that would beat any game of Pictionary.

Knitting

Knitting is easily one of the best ways to relieve stress. Maybe not for everyone, but certainly for me. I learned how to knit when I was maybe 9, my aunt was a fabulous knitter and thought I was old enough to knit a sweater. She bought me beautiful sky blue wool yarn and silver needles and taught me the stockinette stitch. I worked on that sweater, off and on, for 7 or 8 years. Finally I decided to finish it without sleeves, so I made it a vest and actually wore it a few times. It was much too small, having started as a sweater for a 9 year old. I didn't knit again for a long time. Knitting seemed too technical and exact and excruciatingly slow. I don't really remember when or how it happened, but one day I decided to use my canvas paintbrush holder as a knitting needle holder. And I filled every slot. I have made a dozen pairs of socks, hats, mittens, sweaters, too many scarves to count. Now I have taught knitting to my friends. When we get together to knit we also share part of our lives, as the needles clack away, talking of children and husbands and lost jobs and found jobs and hard days and fun days. What we create we will give away, each item carrying in every stitch the relief that comes in having caring friends. Who knit.

Zumba

Tuesday night is Zumba class at the gym. I don't really go to the gym any other time right now, but I really like zumba. Danelle is the teacher, and she is young and energetic. The class is always packed. I used to be the oldest person there, 3 years ago, but now there are more women my age. I can't do some of the moves, like the body roll, but some I can do, like the gyrations. My daughters hate to think of me doing this, and I do agree it isn't pretty. Something about doing pelvic thrusts and stanky leg moves can be revitalizing to a woman whose figure barely resembles one she was proud of 30 years ago. Maybe the younger girls are laughing at me, because I get in the front of the class and they are behind me. I really don't care. The fact that I am there, dancing to hip hop and latin music, is a testimony to my ongoing physical ability, as well as my sense of humor. Zumba lets me pretend, at least for 50 minutes, that I am pretty and sexy and fit. As long as I don't look in the mirror.

Favorite Things

I did many of my favorite things this weekend, which I didn't expect, since I had chemo on Friday.
Here is what I did: rode 28 miles on my bike, from Loveland to Morrow, to eat ice cream, watched Riverfest Fireworks, ate a BLT at Mt. Adams Pavilion before the fireworks (bacon is better than ice cream, ask Jim Gaffigan), swam two more times in our sparkly clean perfect temperature pool, sat in the sun and almost got sunburned...but didn't.
I started out believing that this would be a difficult weekend, but ended up believing that this was one of the best weekends of the summer. What happened? I found a book that my friend Sharon had given me in 2007, when I first was sick, and I had read it and put it away. So three years later I read it again, this weekend, and discovered what I had been missing for the past 3 months. Hope.
Hope for healing, hope for good days, hope for peace and joy. Something deep down rustled in my soul, something that had been neglected and cast aside. This hope woke up, put on it's big girl shoes and got going. Down to Mt. Adams, out to Loveland, into the brightest of days.

Reflection

Sometimes I falter in my ability to be brave and positive and hopeful. I think I am doing fine, and then I start talking to people and their comments back to me reflect a self I don't like the looks of. I can blame them for not hearing me correctly, or some other misunderstanding; but to be truthful, they are only responding to what they heard, not just the words but also the tone. It is hard to study that reflection, to see every line and blemish, and not be discouraged. No amount of makeup can erase what is there, it can only cover it up temporarily. Better to face the flaws, and spend some time and thought into correcting them. My ice cream today was a flavor I don't really like...pistachio, maybe...the flavor of reality, reevaluation, readjustment. My hope is that God will transform it, yet again, into redemption.

Evening Bike Rides

Tonight was the last night of West Chester's Music on the Square. We don't always go, but tonight I needed to get out and ride my bike and do something fun. I always hope to see someone I know there, but almost never do, except for tonight I saw my friend Lisa. The band played cover songs that I remembered from high school; The Eagles, The Band, Paul Simon. Someone had a large handful of maybe 50 blue and white balloons to give away, but somehow they got away from him and all of them lifted into the sky at once. The crowd gave a united gasp and we watched them drift higher and further away in just a few minutes. It was a beautiful evening, breezy and warm, and we stayed until darkness was settling around the square. Riding bikes in the evening dusk is a rare treat, and suprisingly we saw more riders, even children, pedaling in the park on the way home. I guess I am not the only one who needed to get out and ride my bike and do something fun. Shrugging off the darkness, we all pedal down the path and feel the breeze in our hair, finally free of the day's business.

Golden Orb Spiders

My daughter Mary called today while she was eating lunch in the butterfly garden at Fairchild Tropical Botanic Garden. She works there and was enjoying watching the Atala butterflies dance over the flowers. She was equally enthralled with the Golden Orb spiders, which also reside in the garden and make complex golden webs high up in the trees. Not knowing much about these spiders, which she said are as big as tennis balls, I looked them up on the internet. Tucked into all the detail about the genus and species was an little comment that a piece of cloth, the only one of its kind, had been woven from the golden silk of a million spiders and was recently donated to the American Museum of Natural History. The picture of the beautifully woven fabric cannot possibly do justice to what must be the most amazing piece of textile ever made. What a wonderful dream someone must have woken up from that inspired the incredible amount of perseverance to see this priceless golden fabric come to reality. Would that all our best and daring dreams inspire such amazing works!