Only God

I was waiting all day for a call from my almost ex-doctor. Somehow I thought he might call, wonder how I was doing, talk about my elevated cancer antigen number, recommend some kind of new plan of treatment. I would be all calm and confident; yes, I know about the elevated number, no I don't want to do any more chemo, maybe I will schedule an appointment in January. But he didn't call, so all my bravado turned to sorrow and desolation. For a few minutes. Then I looked at the beautiful sunset on my drive home and remembered God's word that He would never leave us or forsake us. Our names are engraved on the palms of His Hands. He knows us intimately and cares for us constantly. He is with us in every moment of every day. He calls us and calls us. I would have answered my doctor's call in a breathless second, but God's calls I sometimes miss. Or, sadly, ignore. He never leaves messages. He just keeps calling. Hello, God, this is Amy. I am scared, and sad, and somehow feeling less than wonderful today. You love me? Ahhh, that sounds so good to hear. Don't be afraid? Well, ok I will try to do that. Trust in You alone? Yes, I know, I need to do that too. I will do that right now. I love You, too.

Well Being

A buzz word for current times, the company I work for promotes well being in a myriad of ways. I try to keep up with all the layers the word impacts; emotional, physical and spiritual. The implied intent is for one to be the master of it all, but living takes it's toll. I guess, in reality, well being really means living well, no matter the circumstance. In our culture, living well might mean living with all your needs met, new car in the garage, loving spouse and children, lavish vacations. In my little world, living well means enjoying takeout chinese food, savoring every morsel, giving a tidbit to the waiting cat. It means taking time to finish a book, knit a Christmas gift, wash my dad's clothes. Living well means not worrying too much that the cancer is not going away, it means living as fully as possible for as long as possible. Well being is not taking for granted the gifts that we have been given in the form of faithful friends, healthy grandchildren, a sound mind, a full refrigerator. What I gain in eating more vegetables, walking 3 miles a day, daily communion with God is the strength to live well today. We can't really store it all up, it needs to be spent every day. Well being is being able to start every morning sure that this day will be the best ever.

Anderson Maxwell Butler

I haven't met you, but I know you. I know your mother. I know she likes to talk, and teach, and she puts 110 percent into everything she does. She has a contagious laugh. She loves to shop and play, she won't stop until she falls exhausted into bed at the end of the day. She loves Jesus.
I know your father. He is smart and dedicated to his family and he puts 110 percent into everything he does. He is clever with his hands, and can build beautiful things out of wood. He is not too manly to buy a sewing machine and learn how to use it. He loves to fly and play, he won't stop until he falls exhausted into bed at the end of the day. He loves Jesus.
I know the One who called you into being, who chose you before the beginning of the world to live a life that honors Him. He has already planned wonderful things for you to do, he has counted every hair on your tiny head, he knows you better that you will ever know yourself. He loves you.
I know you, little one, and I love you, too. When I meet you, I will look into your eyes and see your mother, your father...all those who have preceded you, and those that will follow you. And Jesus.

Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving Day my husband and I walked our first 10K. Several of my good friends joined us. We wore matching turkey headbands. The weather was cold and drizzly. We were accompanied by 13,000 others who have helped make the Cincinnati Turkey Trot the oldest 10K event in the midwest. Not being an athlete, this is all new and exciting for me. We had a wonderful time walking on normally busy, now closed, city streets,  crossing the bridges back and forth over the Ohio River. We passed children, people on crutches, people walking with deformed limbs...and some of those people passed us, with the effort and determination marked on their faces. As we neared the finish line, we had that feeling of accomplishment that is what drives all of us to try harder, face our challenges, be courageous. As the rest of the day unfolded into grand feasts with family and friends, lazy evenings in front of the televised football games, I could feel the benefits of the early morning event. The strong heartbeat, the relaxed muscles, the joie of the day filling every corner of my soul. Today, my turkey headband is on display, as well as my race bib, as a reminder to be thanks giving to the ones who love us so much.

Giving Every Day

Chapter 8 of Crazy Love talks about giving. Being generous, not hoarding things for ourselves, knowing that one day we will leave here and all our things will belong to someone else. While we accumulate things that please us, others are going hungry and living in ghettos and shacks, lacking medical care and clean water. So, we challenged our group to give something away every day, for the next 14 days. It is not always money, but it usually is. It can be time, or talents, sharing what we already have with someone who needs it more. It could be as simple as overtipping or sending a check in to the multitude of charitable requests this time of your. It could be cleaning out the closet, selling the forgotten jewelry and giving the money away, donating old books to the library. Each day will bring a unique opportunity to bring a gift to someone else. Listen to God's spirit, leading you to those who need you. Let go of the fear that causes you to keep things back, guarding those things in case you might need them. Be willing to enter into someone else's painful life, and give them your love. We have a Savior who did that for us.

Enough

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with some of my best friends. We rented a big house and spent 2 days shopping, soaking in the hot tub, eating, watching movies and sharing our stories. The first night, we made a big fire in the firepit and, at 11:11, on 11/11/11, held hands and thought of what thing we really wanted to happen for ourselves or someone else. Later that night, I dreamt that I was standing with a large crowd of people who had come to see the man standing the front of the place. As I stood with the crowd, not sure what I would ask him, he beckoned me to him and placed his hand on my head. Then I woke up. I am not much for remembering dreams, but this one spoke to me. The man was Jesus, and he was calling me to himself. I was glad to be called. In rethinking this dream, I realize that at 11:11, on 11/11/11, the one thing I want to happen for myself is to know that I am going to be with Jesus for all time. That the place he said he was preparing for us will include me. No matter what I may do that fails him, or what I may say that hurts him, he wants me with him. That is enough for me. There is nothing else I want to know about the future except that he is calling me to be with him. And I am glad to go.

Marriage

I don't normally read People Magazine because I hate that I am curious about the lives of celebrities, or celebrity wanna be's. It is hard not to see it on the way out of my favorite store (Walgreen's) since it is right out in front of the checkout counter. This issue had a picture of Kim Kardashian in her wedding dress with the headline blaring "marriage fail or fake". Now fake I get, but how can a marriage fail after 72 days? Richard and I married right after college. That was 35 years ago. I remember the times when I thought our marriage was failing. Those times were scary and sad, when the life challenges woven into our daily routines became more important than nurturing our love for each other. Those times when we didn't listen to the other's cries, didn't understand that one's struggles were both of our struggles, and had no words of comfort. When we walked our self righteousness and self satisfaction into the relationship, the thing shuddered and buckled like a paper boat on a raging sea. We learned over the years that together we were able to overcome any challenge, whether a death, or a rebel, sickness, poverty, downsizing, and the greatest one, our endless insecurities. Sounds like the marriage vows. By God's grace, we kept them.