Finding Yourself

Years of wandering in life's wilderness, in forests of feasts and famine, can disorient even the most stable soul. One day sunny, the next day cold and rain. One day bunnies, the next day wolves. As time passes, and what looks fair becomes foul, or foul fair, the soul wonders which way is the way out. All guides are ghouls, or maybe not, and what looks like progress ends back at the beginning. It is odd, finding yourself in such a place. A person is expected to set goals and make plans, forge ahead, stay the course, finish the race. In such a place, where up is down and bad is good, it is difficult to do. I have never been a goal setter or long range planner. I like to imagine and dream, playing by the water with sandcastles and shell people royalty and watch others wrestle with the ocean surf.  Today I am no longer playing to win. I just want to play. When I was a child, and life in my household became too overwhelming, I lost myself in play. Or found myself. I am there now, when life has become too confusing and challenging, and bad is good then bad again. I find myself longing to play, to find a spot where it is quiet and calm. I can set a little table with little cupcakes, and all is well. If you see me playing, know that I am safe at last.

Daily Bread

I don't know why I am always amazed at times when God orchestrates a day that has "I know you, I see you, I love you" written all over it. I have had lots of those days, over the years, and each one is a surprise, full of wonder. Today was one of those days. Richard went to get his 7th chemotherapy treatment, and paired with us in the little treatment room was a pastor of a church in Cincinnati. He was getting his first dose of the same treatment Rich gets, for a recurrence of pancreatic cancer. We shared our stories, were present when the doctor, same doctor that treats Rich, came in to see the pastor and talk to him about his treatment plan. We all prayed together, doctor, patients, caregivers, HIPPA out the window. There were tears, hugs, encouragement and shared sufferings lifted up to the throne of God, prayers heard, hearts lifted. Who does not know the love of God? It is in the chemo room in a little building in West Chester, Ohio. It fills every space, warms every heart. Who has not lifted up his eyes unto the hills, crying for help? He is here, full of hope and peace and promises. Today is bread and water for tired souls, weary from fighting, finding comfort in each other's suffering. Strength for today, courage for tomorrow.

New Stories

We are hosting a book study on Sunday night, reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. The discussion follows our relationship with God, from the first days to now, examining the power and wonder of it. We all have stories to share of the first time we knew He loved us, or that we loved Him. We also share stories of times when we felt close to Him, and participated in an "out of the ordinary" experience when God was obviously using us to interact with another person. Some of these stories were in the long ago past, still fondly remembered and treasured. I have a friend who is pursuing God and working hard to improve health care in poor countries. His stories, and there are many, are each one new and recent and full of power. We reminisced about our travels together, but while I have stopped, he has continued in the work and the zeal and fire is strong in his words. I envied him, for a minute, because his stories are fresh and mine are stale. Then I realized that all I have to do is step outside of the ordinary, into God's Kingdom, and offer myself to whomever He chooses. Together, we will have a new story, one of redemption, grace, the power heal, to bind wounds, to set the captive free. It can happen every day.

Choosing What You Know to Do

Many times we come to a place where we must make a life impacting decision. When I was a kid we watched Let's Make a Deal. In that show, there were 3 doors. Behind Door #1 was new living room furniture, behind Door #2 was a new TV, behind Door #3 was a rusty old jalopy. Only the contestant didn't know this. When the time came to choose, we all hoped he or she would pick one of the great prizes, but sometimes Door #3 was the one chosen. Rusty jalopy. When we face a difficult choice, we can feel like that contestant, like there is a terrible prize behind one of those choices and we are afraid that is the one we will get. The fear keeps us stressed out and overcome with worry. All that fear has to do with the imagined future that rides on that single decision. I have learned that when you choose what you know to do, and only ride the single day that decision impacts, then the stress and worry vanishes. This is actually what Jesus meant when he said not to worry. When we choose what we know to do, today, we choose to operate in the truth that is presented to us in the here and now. We must believe that we have been given enough information to make the best choice, to live in the light and walk in faith.

Birthdays

It is my daughter's birthday today. She is 27. She lives in Miami, Florida so we had to do the celebration by mail and phone. Birthdays have always been a pretty big deal in my family. As kids, my parents allowed us to have a party every other year, and it was no small affair. One year, I had a Detective party, and the guests were fingerprinted, and had to find clues to solve a crime. Now you can buy a party game with everything already designed for you ( Mary had one of those parties, too) but, when I was a kid, my father thought the whole thing up himself. My husband's birthday was yesterday, and we didn't have a party. We did have dinner at a nice restaurant. Birthdays really need more, though, something with the joy of children's laughter and silly games, birthday cake and candles, lots of presents. I have had lots of birthdays, but the ones I remember best were the ones filled with happy noise. Maybe our next birthdays should be held at Chuck E Cheese. Even if the children screaming are not ours, we can still pretend. We can have big balloons and cheap plastic party favors and play skeeball. We can have our picture taken with Chuck E himself, and fill up on cake and ice cream. Happy Birthday to you!

Do Something

There is a line in the movie Truman Show that I love. It is a scene where Truman (Jim Carrey) and his "wife" (Laura Linney) are fighting and she looks up at the hidden camera and says "Do Something!" Now Truman has never imagined that he lived in an artificial world, with an all seeing eye, until this moment; and from then on he sets on a path to finding out what kind of world he actually lives in. Sometimes I have felt like that...I am in a bad situation and it looks like it is only going to get worse...and I look to the all seeing eye in the sky and shout "Do Something!!" What am I expecting? The checkbook to balance, the car to start, the termites to disappear, the PET scan to be normal? I am holding in my hands the evidence of my battered life, and I want it to be all better, right now. I spent Saturday afternoon watching a live simulcast from the leadership at Partners in Health, and the stories of their service to the poor and destitute in far away places humbled me. Those ultra poor people, in their battered lives, do they look skyward and shout at the all seeing eye "Do Something?". Do they expect relief of any sort? Do they know God put it there, in our hands, as we decide whether to help them and do something...maybe not, but we do. What ever there is to do, do it all for the Glory of God, the all seeing eye... do something.

God School

It is a disservice to tell folks that if they would only put their trust in God, everything in life gets easier. Your children suddenly mind you, you get the promotion you have been passed over for, your car runs better, your relationships become more fulfilling. Not only is it a disservice, it is downright wrong. Once we put our trust in God, we enroll in God School. This school is in session every single day, we have daily tests and quizzes, we have mountains of homework. Graduation day is the day we leave this earth and stand in front of Him, and He says "Well done, good and faithful servant." Meanwhile, we are constantly faced with all the same challenges we have always had to face in school; taunters and teasers, cliques, disappointments, failure, pressure to succeed, insolence, repetition, boredom, and the finiteness of a brain that cannot understand hard concepts. We have good days too, of course, days when it all makes sense and we got our homework in on time, when we got picked first for dodgeball, and the popular kids made room for us at the lunch table, when we set the grade curve. God School is hard because it is designed to make us better, wiser, kinder, whole. More like Him, and that is good. No wonder it takes a lifetime.