Laughter

My friends and I all have problems that we would love to see resolved. But we are at an age now where we know that there is never a time when all our problems will go away, there is just sun and then rain, then sun again. We face them together, because that is what friends do. Sometimes we all wait together, huddled under our friendship umbrella, waiting for the rain to stop. Or we just go ahead out in it, splashing in the puddles, getting all wet, and laughing in spite of it.  I had a fabulous dinner with my friend Pam tonight. She has a wonderful laugh that she uses often to punctuate her stories. She faces what we all face, yet that laugh is always on the edge of her speech, aware of the silly absurdity of even the most somber moment. This gift she has always makes me happy, because it wipes away any residue of anxiety that I might face in my own life. It seems so easy to do, to laugh. It makes our souls waterproof, so that the rain does not weaken our spirit.

Plank in your eye

It is funny how, when you have a problem in your life, you keep thinking about it over and over. Like a loose tooth, you worry it to the point of distraction. It is almost impossible to think about something else until that problem is resolved. Sometimes the problem is a person, and resolution is far away. Today these words came to me: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" This is in the bible, Matthew chapter 7 verse 3.  The bible is an amazing book, full of ideas and stories that have maintained their relevancy throughout time. This particular question was spoken by Jesus to his disciples. He didn't expect an answer from them right away, because what they were doing is what we all do when we find fault with someone. But this question does presuppose an answer, as all of Jesus' questions do. The answer to this question will bring peace to your soul, and to those you interact with throughout your day. The answer would have something to do with identifying the plank in your eye. This might take some time. I will need some cookies.

No Empty Freezer

I have had some trouble thinking about ice cream for the past 2 days. My job has become somewhat less wonderful that it used to be. It feels like it takes all the vitality and peace that I fight so hard for, and lays waste to it all. The cancer is like that also. I would like to escape it all, but cannot. So, my soul feels like an empty freezer. No ice cream. Wait, I got a message from a new friend on Facebook. We had talked at length about my idea, my need to find the joy in every day and help others find their own joy. She shared it with someone today, and gave her an ice cream cone pin I had made. She said the person wanted me to know I had inspired her. Someone I hadn't ever met. See, there was a little pint of ice cream in the freezer after all. Not all of it had been eaten. Just a little bit, but enough to bring some hope back into the day. What we have is so much more when it is shared. When you cast your bread on the water there is no such thing as an empty freezer.

Splurge

Splurge: to indulge in an extravagant expense or luxury. This seems to be the theme of the weekend. I was supposed to get chemo on Friday, which would have made me tired and crummy feeling these past two days, but it was canceled because of my platelets being too low. Because of this, I would feel good all weekend for the first time in 2 months. So I entered Saturday like a hungry person at a smorgasbord of delicious foods, unsure what to choose first. I wanted to be outside, I wanted to play, I wanted to soak up every bit of the healthy life offered to me. Yesterday we biked outside. Today I wanted to splurge. I guess it started Friday evening with the spa treatment, and it spilled into this afternoon's tour through Ulta and White and Black. I used my Etsy business money, which I hoard, and is all mine. I bought some expensive mascara and some (gasp) leggings. 2 pair. So now I have to buy boots and long sweaters and more fun. It was great feeling like part of the world, instead of being holed up in blankets on the couch. I cherish each healthy day, when it is easy to get up and get going. These days are sweet luxuries for me.

Into the Outdoors

It was a perfect day today for a bike ride, so we loaded up our bikes and did our favorite ride from Loveland to Morrow and back. The air was cool, and held the scent of burning leaves. The trail was marked by fallen twigs and leaves, really too soon for fall but the dry weather probably has stressed the trees plenty this summer. Chipmunks and squirrels crisscrossed the trail in front of us, crows cawed and flew above our heads. If you opened your mouth, you swallowed gnats, great swarms of them that clung to our clothes as we rode through. The woods are serene, peaceful...the nearby river still and green. There is no hurry here, no urgency to finish something, no regret or fear or worry. The tall trees stand where they have stood for many years, the river flows past ancient rocks as always. There is a trust here, standing strong though time. We ride by and feel the steadfast energy of God's creation, life as it should be, circular and beautiful. We are dwarfed by it's majesty, yet lifted to it's heights at the same time. We connect to something we need in our daily routine, that constancy of God, that plants us, sustains us, and holds us, and makes our lives circular and beautiful.

Mani/Pedi

I have wonderful friends. I have collected them through the years and each one is more precious than the most expensive diamond. My friend Lynn taught me how to preserve friendships, as she is persistent in maintaining connections with her friends through all of life's many changes. I love making friends. I made a friend on an airplane trip 2 years ago that I still email and we are planning a visit, even though she lives 2+ hours away. I lay in bed one night, wondering if it would ever be a good idea to leave here and live closer to one of our children. I decided to count my friends, and when I got to 22 (real friends, not just Facebook friends) I stopped, not because I had counted them all but because I realized how impossible it would be to leave them. Anyway, tonight I enjoyed one of the many many benefits of friends. My knitting group knew I was having some tough days, so they pooled their resources and bought me a gift certificate at a local spa. I chose the manicure/pedicure combo, which I did tonight. For the 2 hours I was there, I talked to my new friend Angela about many things, including ice cream, while she did my nails. She said that tonight must be my ice cream for today. Yes, and the color: Jam n Jelly.

Blood Test

I have had many a blood test in the past 3 1/2 years. I think maybe I am getting a needle stick for every time I ever stuck a needle in someone else during the course of my nursing career. That would be a lot. It certainly is something to see your own blood go shooting into the little red and yellow top tubes. The yellow top tube carries the blood that goes into the special machine that tests for the cancer antigen that will tell me and my doctor whether or not the chemo is working. I kid around with the nurse as she puts the label on it, and I know she knows I am nervous about what information that little tube will tell. It looks like anyone else's blood, in any other yellow top tube. But it is mine.  I have had this test done dozens of times. Still, each time, as I dial the phone to get the results the next day, like today, I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wait for someone to answer the phone, I wait while they check the computer, I wait sometimes for the nurse to get on the phone. When the nurse gets on, the news is usually not good. Today I did not have to wait for a nurse. Oney, the secretary, told me my test result was normal. We were both glad. Normal is always good.