Thursday, September 9, 2010
Playing to Win
I am not a marathon runner. I am not even a runner. I hate competition. I only like to play games I am very sure I can win. I am pretty good at Pictionary, because I have a quirky and long memory. And Scrabble, because I like words. The cancer situation I am in is definitely a marathon. I definitely don't think I can win. If this was any other scenario, I would have bailed by now. Unfortunately, bailing looks a lot like dying, and I don't want to do that either, even though I am a firm believer in eternal life and heaven and banquet table with Jesus and all that. So I am perplexed. My new friend Melissa told me last night to play to win anyway. As if. I fully admit I don't know how to do that. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't a nurse and knew too many things about cancer, or if I hadn't been dealing with this for over 3 years and haven't really had all that much healthy time. What if playing to win meant that I looked at each new day as an opportunity to love my struggling body and take care of it and feed it good things, take long walks and stay calm. What if it meant believing in my doctor's plan, and God's plan, and trusted in the best possible outcome? It would certainly be a win that would beat any game of Pictionary.
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okay, to expand on my thoughts a little, imagine you are watching a game you previously recorded. I would say football, but you probably don't like football...what am I saying, you don't watch tv...okay so the bengals are playing and you are a fan, go with it. Its a close game and you really want the bengals to win. how do you feel while watching the game? excited, anxious, worried, up, down, emtional roller coaster right? Now since it's previously recorded, what would happen if your friend leaned over and said, the bengals won 35 to 30 or whatever. now how do you watch the game? you don't worry if it seems like the bengals are losing because you know how it ends. you can sit back and relax.
ReplyDeleteso two things, 1. having faith is like knowing the last chapter in a book or how the game ends. it may seem like you're losing, but if you know the final score, the facts don't count.
2. lets say you're not sure what is going to happen, there isn't anything you can do about. your starting qb is injured and you just don't know....is it better to worry, be anxious, have fear, be sad...or is it better to just pretend that your winning anyway and be relaxed, at peace, worry free, etc. There is no rule that says the more you worry about it, the better things will be. actually its the opposite. and if you ended up losing in the end, how did you want to spend your time playing the game? peaceful and relaxed or anxious and fearful?
all that being said, you are one of the bravest people I know, and I wouldn't want to just tell you this if I didn't know a little bit of how you felt. I didn't have cancer or have 3 years of uncertainty and sickness, so I don't pretend that "I know." but here's what happened to me.
Before I had Brady, I had a daughter Carly, Oct 1, 2008. I lost her at 30 weeks. I was so worried that I had done something to her and that was why she didn't live, and no one knew for sure the COD. We really wanted children so I was pregnant with Brady 3 mos later. I went into the pregnancy thinking ok, every doctor told me it was not my fault and there was nothing I couldn've done for Carly. So I can worry over this pregnancy, every time I didn't feel him moving, every time I did, there was never a "safe" amount of time that had passed....etc or I could relax and enjoy being pregnant and enjoy the life this baby had, even if it was only in my tummy...either way, my worrying couldn't control the situation. I could choose to be relaxed and happy or choose to be fearful and worried. I chose to be relaxed and happy, and it was much more fun. and the outcome would have been the same either way.
sorry to write my own personal blog!! but I hope my words helped. someone told all this to me and it really made a difference in my thought process, so I wanted to pass it on. Maybe someone else out there needs to hear it too :)
Melissa
:) Thank you both.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed to be surrounded by such amazing women.
ReplyDeleteAmy, thanks for directing me to this part of your blog. I really needed it!! Laura
ReplyDelete